Grant's Auto Rants

Mercury...retrograde

Whether or not you put much stock in astrology, some extra 'challenges' may have crept into your everyday responsibilities during the month of July. Things like meetings, phone calls, simple errands, and travel plans just don't seem to flow the way they normally might. So what is the invisible source of all this interference? Well, you may actually be able to see it.

If you stuck around after watching the fireworks back on the Fourth, when all the smoke had cleared, up there in the sky the planet Mercury left its usual progressive arc with all the other stars and appeared to start moving backwards  (not unlike the share price, market share, dividend, earnings, employee count, and credit status of the Ford, Lincoln, Mercury motor company). Mercury, by the way, was named after the famed wing-footed messenger god who was apparently known around the Acropolis as much for communication and commerce as he was for speed.

Mercury retrograde will last until around the end of the month or early August, depending on whom you ask, and comes around generally three or four times a year. During this period, you can count on everything from TVs, computers, and Blackberries to simple personal functions like speaking and writing to get a case of the 'yips.' Essentially, Mercury retrograde is to your email what heavy wind and rain are to smoke signals.

The problem is that different people are affected in different ways depending on what time of the year this phenomenon occurs. For example, Mercury retro this time around will cross both Leo and Cancer. To really keep you on your toes, it will affect those with the signs Gemini and Virgo the most. These guys should pretty much pack up and flee on vacation for a month or so. (On second thought, considering that they and their luggage will likely be lost somewhere, maybe they should just commit themselves to the dark confines of a basement or trunk of a Grand Marquis somewhere and wait it out.)

In a cruel twist of irony, sales for the Ford, Lincoln and Mercury brands are down by 9% for the first six months of 2006. Revenues for Q2 are a negative $123 million, compared with a $946 million profit a year ago. The results do contain a one-time charge of $486 million for buyouts in North America, but I think I would still classify this as moving backwards.

Actually, symbolism is rampant when you consider the current astrological curiosities and that of the Ford "Way Forward" turnaround plan. With Mercury isolated (both the planet and the brand), the abbreviation of the Ford, Lincoln, Mercury group is FL, which just happens to be the abbreviation of the state of Florida (traditionally one of the Mercury brand's favorite states in terms of new car registrations).

Also, when you break apart the word "retro-grade," you have both a reference to the current Ford design theme bringing back names of yore like Thunderbird and Fairlane, as well as the company's credit rating (grade), which Moody's Investors Service just cut from junk status B2 to"'wouldn't touch it with a 19 foot Excursion."      

Now, does this mean that Ford, Lincoln, Mercury's troubles will all disappear once the clock chimes midnight on July the 30th?

Not necessarily I'm afraid -- though it does look like William Clay Ford, Jr. may have been in touch with his cosmic advisor (or Sylvestor Stallone's mother), as he just announced that the company would be in a position to introduce further strategic plans within 60 days, well into Mercury's forward motion.

I guess even the heavens aren't out of bounds in Bill Jr's quest to right the ship with his obvious appreciation of astrological influence on the automotive industry. Which is really no coincidence when you consider that he was born on May 3rd, 1957 making him -- you guessed it -- a Ford Taurus.      

Lotus...less is definitely more...

At a time when it is not that unusual to see family sedans topping 300 horsepower (the average horsepower for cars/light trucks in the US is about 210hp), it's contradictory to hear so much talk about fuel consumption and gas prices. Where do we think this added "umph" is coming from, anyway?

Adding insult to Greenpeace injury, the horsepower wars have been nearly matched by the much less glamorous weight race for some time now, with the average vehicle approaching Super Sized dimensions not seen since the disco era. The average car now tips the scales at a hefty 3,868 lbs., or 15,472 Quarter Pounders.

Next to this we have the electro race, with cars becoming so complex in their technical execution that even the engineers who build them don't know how to operate them. I just happened upon a newsletter that published one excerpt concerning the average price of a gallon of gas, which has cozied up to three dollars (remember when that was news?), right next to another stating that most auto manufacturers are finally making electric windows standard equipment on all vehicles.

While windows might not be the most complicated item out there, it is very apparent that we have long since passed the point of diminishing returns when it comes to gadgetry. Obsolescence these days is no longer defined by the waning utility of a specific feature or system, but rather the existence of a mechanic or technician who either knows how to fix them or where to procure their necessary parts. 

There has always been an appreciation for hot rods and less complicated cars, those that the average Joe is convinced he can work on in the garage over the weekend. For every new SAT-NAV, massaging seat, and pneumatic air suspension, there is a new group of nostalgists dreaming of cars with little more than four wheels, two seats, consistent carburetion, and brakes.

Where an overtly luxurious vehicle might have once been considered a living room on wheels, even a modest family sedan now throws in a high-tech office as well. So to peruse the features of a Lotus Elise brochure provided more than passing curiosity and encouragement. I saw it right between aluminum trim and leather trimmed steering wheel: "Manual Window Winders," proudly listed in the specs section of the company website (electric windows can be had as part of the Touring Package).

Now, having to crank anything on a vehicle can mean only one of three things. Either this is truly a collectible from the early part of last century, requiring a manual start; it's the cheapest piece of junk still passable for motorized transportation on North American roads; or it's a vehicle that was built simply and purposely for the sake of driving. 

The Lotus Elise/Exige has a bit of a bug-like appearance, not just due to its diminutive size but its overall rounded profile, requiring a bit more time to grow on some people. It looks almost as if the engineers started with an open wheel concept and then decided to cover things up a bit. Even with the full RTM Composite Fiberglass bodywork, the main tub of the cockpit seems to somehow almost hang in the middle of the four wheels like the body of long-legged spider. Like creature comforts, however, styling was designed to come in a distant third to drive and handling.

The philosophy behind this car is something I am sure many will appreciate. With simplicity spliced directly into the car's very DNA, the Weight Watchers-inspired marketing comes right out and states that "obesity is the enemy." Richard Simmons couldn’t have been any more succinct. The ads and videos also say that it's not about the horsepower, but really the power-to-weight ratio that deserves mention.

Also prominently displayed in the car's spec section is the Toyota-supplied, 1.8-liter, 4-Cylinder DOHC engine with 4 vales per pot, Variable Valve Timing and Lift-Intelligence. Now, in terms of pure dimension, 1.8 liters is definitely considered entry level or even junior varsity in our "no replacement for displacement" society. The modest horsepower rating of 190 will even make the guys at Kia blush. 

Once you contort yourself into the 150 lbs. aluminum space frame (or look a couple lines further down the spec sheet at the performance section) do you start to fully… get it. At 1984 lbs. the Lotus Elise weighs 700 pounds less than British Brethren Mini Cooper and 500 pounds less than a Mazda Miata but packs roughly 20 more horsepower all while delivering a very respectable 29mpg highway.   

The Lotus will sprint to 60 mph in 4.7 seconds, which is on par with all but the highest tier of sports cars and reaches a top speed of 150, or twice the average US legal limit (even the 500 hp BMW M5 is limited to 155 mph in the US). But even here, the numbers don't do this car justice.

The handling of the Lotus has been described by some automotive journalists as "telepathic" and being more representative of a Go-Kart than road car. To say this car carves turns is like saying ex-Goldman Sachs CEO turned Treasury Secretary Hank Paulsen, "does finance."  This car attacks corners like Jared the Subway Guy attacks his daily turkey and cheese, while the combination of Bilstein Gas Dampers, Eibach Springs and Brembo brakes provide the most visceral feel this side of bungee-jumping.

The Lotus is so successful and narrow-minded in its task that many amenities are deemed superfluous and left out of the equation altogether. One Lotus veteran and engineering consultant went so far as to say "You don't just sit in a Lotus, you wear it." And people are taking notice. I have seen several profiles from enthusiasts in different automotive forums listing an Elise or Exige in their stables, right along a Carrera or Modena.

Lotus as a company has made a living of wringing out the 4-banger. It took many years, and they had to be dragged kicking and screaming before they finally offered the Esprit with the 8-cylinder. It is really no wonder that they have quickly returned to their roots to provide what might be even more accurately considered the ultimate driving experience. That it's being accomplished in a minimalist fashion and without the aid of a V10 is quite cool indeed.

If there is one fault with the Elise, it has got to be the price, which comes in around $45 to $50k. We have proven however, that as an automotive society, we are quite happy and very willing to pay more for more, even if it means getting less. With this mean little car, Lotus may have redefined the insect sports category. If the VW is a Beetle, the Mini a Lady Bug, and the tuned Civic a gnat, then the Elise/Exige is a mosquito packing both West Nile and Malaria.

God save the Queen.