Grant's Auto Rants

What happened to (Joe) Isuzu?

David Leisure (Joe Isuzu) made his first real break into acting with his very convincing role of lead Hare Krishna in the epic tearjerker, Airplane (1980). He would go on to do Airplane II and eventually burst onto the small screen in his most famous role as the cunning TV personality of Isuzu Motors.

Joe Isuzu led the traditional advertising community in a revolution during the late 80's, giving an otherwise obscure GM joint venture not only a face and voice, but also sales. And while Joe Isuzu's comedic style and witty lies seemed poised to take the entire automotive ad genre to the mountaintop, by 1990 it was quite clear that the only crests on Madison Avenue were short-lived bumps caused by mangled manhole covers and washed up ad execs tossed to the curb.

Sticking to his penchant for the comeback (or sequel), Joe was brought back for a short, if not successful stint as Isuzu company spokesperson. Not surprisingly, the ad spots portrayed Joe as an older, out of shape has been who needs to exercise and sweat his way back into top sales shape.

At first glance, it may appear that if there ever was a washed up, shell of a "car" company in need of another go around, it is Isuzu's North America operations. How can a manufacturer whose website touts one marginal SUV (Ascender) and one pick-up ($5 to the first person with proof that they have actually seen one), manage to not only stay in business, but remain profitable?

The key lesson here is never judge a book by its roofline.

Isuzu's success is not built on out-right deception, but they have carved out a nice little niche by acting as if they are something they are not. Just like a two table pasta house, or suspiciously vacant salon,  there may be some "business" behind the scenes. Even Joe claimed that one their vehicles had more seats than the astrodome and that he used an Isuzu pickup to carry a 2,000 lbs. cheeseburger. And let's not forget all those 80's Isuzu cars with the "Handling by Lotus" badges behind the front wheels.

Fact of the matter is, just referring to Isuzu as a car company is like calling Harley-Davidson a "Leather Fashion Boutique" or the Grand Canyon a "Golf Resort."

These guys are in the truck and engine business and always have been. Think back to all of those small to medium sized delivery trucks you see in New York, with "Joe's Import/Export" and "Elmhurst Blvd., Bayside, NY" finger-painted on the doors or any movie (worldwide) with a downtown traffic scene. The roads are littered with Isuzu's gravy train.

In 2004, Isuzu (Truck) achieved sales revenues of $13 billion and operating profits of $768 million though they also aren't immune to the occasional flop. (They suffered a $1.3 billion loss in 2003)

It came as little surprise recently that GM announced its pending sale of their 7.9% stake in the company whose Trooper/Trooper II arguably invented the SUV category for $300 million. After shedding its $700 million share in Fuji Heavy Industries (Subaru) in October and the majority of its ownership ($2 billion) of Suzuki in March, this third and last Japanese sell-off to round out a cool $3 billion was imminent. (By the way, this automotive Rule of Three thing is getting downright eerie)

What was surprising was seeing Joe Isuzu himself turn up in a TV spot for one of our local ambulance chasers alongside William Shatner. While I don't profess to comprehend the connection of personal injury law to the Starship Enterprise, Joe Isuzu's deceitful past makes more sense. Though Evil Knievel is also doing a spot for a roofing company and unless his first stunt was falling off of one, I guess it's, more about the "Star" and less about the "behavior."

Regardless how many Ascenders they sold, Isuzu sold 177,000 trucks in 2004 and I, for one, hope Joe has a few more miles in him. At least until political correctness goes out of style and they release Airplane III.       

Automotive "Gas"

Ever since the automobile started to gain traction in popular culture around the turn of the 20th century, it has, in one way or another, captured the imagination of just about everyone. With the advent and adoption of standard automotive equipment, the average vehicle adopted a basic shape and look, which aside from some notable experiments, generally remains to this day.

Interestingly, out of our fascination with cars grew a comparison between automobiles and the human anatomical form. This has since been perpetuated through countless cartoons, movies, and television depictions. Think "Herbie the Love Bug" or "Knight Rider," and the image of a vehicle as a dynamic character quickly comes to mind.

While the similarities between a person and car are comical at best, there are some parallel physical attributes that do stand out. Headlights, especially of the rounded variety, are almost always portrayed as eyes. The motor is often considered a "heart," the bumper makes a good "mouth," and the gas tank is presumably a stomach. As for the horn, well, I will leave that one up to you to decide. I, however, would like to suggest that the automobile has become so intertwined with our psyche, that the potential likeness between our two species extends well beyond form into function.

For example: You can have your arteries roto-rootered, just like you can have your fuel system flushed. I suppose the combination of weight training and a suntan might have similar affects to "buffing out" a paint job, the same way a good diet, exercise, and regular checkups can lead to safe, dependable operation. One additional resemblance, while more rare, seems to best capture the essence of our collective "underbodies."       

A host of electronic gadgetry, including things like engine management (brain) and fuel injection (cardiovascular) systems invariably control the modern vehicle (man). Right up through the disco era, however, carburetors ruled the day. One annoying if funny product of general carburetion is the "backfire" (I am working on a dance move for that).

This condition is most often characterized by small amounts of unburned fuel seeping into the exhaust system where is collects. When the engine does fire next, the fuel ignites, often with dramatic flare.

Sounds like time for a muffleroscopy.   

If you have ever experienced a lull in a mid-morning meeting, or a quiet movie with a new girlfriend, you have likely experienced the human equivalent. Enter the "furt," a phenomenon quite literally somewhere in between stomach grumbling and outright flatulence.

Like the backfire, the furt is very unpredictable, and every bit as difficult to control. Generally, it's best to just let nature take its course and suffer through some embarrassment, because trying to influence it can only exacerbate the situation. Shift one way (step on the gas), and you may drown out the sound. Shift incorrectly, though, and it becomes the digestive equivalent of a Chris Botti trumpet solo.   

There really is no better way to clear a room. Or a parking lot.

The similarities don't end there. What more is a doctor if not a human mechanic, anyway? Aside from slightly different greases and lubricants, even the tools used to address this issue in humans are largely the same as those used on cars.

As a matter of fact, the only real dissimilarities I have come up with are the trivial disparity between a grave- and junkyard, or the issue of limited factory warranties. For this I have just one word: Stem-cell research.