A "Tail" of Tubi

Auspuff, échappement, scarico. No matter how you say it, the exhaust system on the modern vehicle has come a long way from a time of plumes of black smoke and choking drivers. Today, it represents a very advanced and complex automotive component affecting both performance and environmental protection. When you consider new car sales, repair and maintenance, performance aftermarket and emission control, this "car part" alone constitutes hundreds of millions of dollars in annual commerce worldwide.

It comes in all shapes, sizes, colors, and even materials, but it essentially serves two distinct purposes. The first is to satisfy a host of different state and national laws governing noise ordinances, environmental, and other rules and regulations associated with airborne pollution. The other -- and far more interesting, I might add -- is the use of modified and specialty exhausts and parts to dress, or otherwise customize, your automobile, boat, motorcycle, jet ski, or whatever other internally-combusting thing you are into…

Even the chainsaw. Ever see the "modified" class on one of those lumberjack contests on ESPN at three in the morning? People actually took the time to build those things.

Most of these people come from the, "well, if I have to have one anyway, it might as well look and sound cool" school of thought. To be fair however, the exhaust, as it were, is much more than just the muffler, as many might believe.

The entire system is comprised of: the actual engine manifold, many connecting pipes, and often several mufflers, not to mention catalytic converters, oxygen sensors, particulate filters, and various hanging paraphernalia. With such a complex piece of equipment mounted directly at the motor, there is considerable opportunity for performance-minded tuning, which is precisely what has made this part so attractive to the average automotive enthusiast.

Personally, I believe that you can learn an awful lot about a car (and subsequently the driver) simply by observing its exhaust, or more specifically, its tailpipe. Often ignored and underappreciated, the tailpipe generally only receives attention once a year, and that’s if your state happens to require annual automotive inspections. Otherwise, these forgotten heroes simply hang out at the back of the car doing their duty and hoping to inspire another household expression, like "eat my fumes!" or "go suck on a tailpipe."

I tend to notice these things, however. Like so many others I spend far too much of my time stuck in traffic, where the backside of the car in front of me serves as my last recreation. What I've picked up over the years can basically be summarized by the following.

Number: First off, how many tailpipes are there? This question may seem silly, but it can actually be deceiving. The most common numbers, of course, are four, two, and the one lonely soldier. Any other number, and all bets are off. This alone should tell you quite quickly what you might be dealing with up ahead. (Note: Beware of the pseudo-tip, which is simply an exhaust tip meant to look like dual exhaust, when in fact it is only one.)

Size: Here is another case in which size definitely matters. For example, you know if you see that single, tiny tube hardly larger in diameter than the straw you use to stir your morning coffee that you aren't dealing with more than four cylinders, and probably not more than a liter or so of displacement. On the other hand, should you come across a pipe (or pipes) that would easily swallow a grapefruit, you may want to give the driver a wider berth.

Style: This one is a bit vague, but important nonetheless. Are the tailpipes standard aluminum with an angled cut, or are they polished stainless steel? Are they some other color or finish altogether, with a rolled edge? Do they sound like an electric beard trimmer, or something from the paddock at Le Mans? These are also very important factors when analyzing the car ahead.

Condition: Aside from number, this one should tell you the most. If the tailpipe is spotless and polished, you can bet that the vehicle (and driver that owns it) is considerably different from the car with the beat up, dirty offset pair (one of which points unnaturally downward, sending sparks flying at every bump).

Finally, placement: Now, there will always be some wild card exception out there, which can go either way. My car for one hides the twin (I think…) tailpipes, which are angled downward, directly behind the rear bumper cover so they aren't visible to anyone who doesn't have the car on a lift or hasn't been run over. The other possibilities in this group are the "snorkel" coming straight out the hood up front (generally reserved for the off-roaders and dragsters), and the scarce but interesting central rear placement (not off to either side or only slightly).

The last one you really want to watch out for is the side placement just ahead of the rear wheels. Anytime you see this, you can rest assured that you are dealing with not only high horsepower, but also a very distinct personality. Approach with caution…and a set of earplugs.

Incidentally, the man credited with inventing the catalytic converter (muffler) is frenchman Eugene Houdry. He patented his exhaust in 1962 and is also credited as the mastermind behind a synthetic rubber production process and revolutionary gasoline refining process.

As long as we burn fuel, we are going to have exhaust systems. As a matter of fact, the only danger to losing our beloved tubes is the advent of alternate fuel technologies. Even with hydrogen fuel cells, however, we will need a place for the water to come out. That, my friends, leads to a whole new level of customization.

Comments

[Gary Grant]

i went ferrari shopping with a friend a couple of years ago. i was never a great fan of the TR, until i heard it wail thru a full set of Tubi pipes! very cool!