It's really quite ironic that the mass of luxury and convenience options found in many of today's vehicles, which generally have nothing to do with the actual intended function of the car, often contribute to the majority of malfunctions and subsequent warranty claims. These same features also prevent some otherwise innovative machines from becoming considered "classic" almost by default due to their complexity. And while many are technology-based, their useful shelf life rarely exceeds that of your basic home computer, which is already considered dated by the time you get it home from the store and set up in your living room.
In the endless pursuit of product differentiation, poor judgment has clouded the vision of many a design team and led to a flood of pointless goodies. No doubt the product of some ill-conceived think tanks within manufacturer's design centers, these items range from the completely asinine (radar-adaptive cruise control with forward alert feature) to simply superfluous (rearview mirror sun visor). The difference between these levels of irrationality is dictated merely by the developmental/production costs of the gimmick in relation to its P.O.F. or Probability of Failure.
Following is a list of a few of the features and functions that are unlikely to find their way to the automotive hall of fame, but which did find their way into our rides over the last couple of years.
Talking Car: More than one manufacturer thought that it might be a good idea to try to capitalize on the David Hasselhoff craze and provide their customers with their own version of "Kit" from Knight Rider. The problem was, these Kits didn't control rockets and turbo boost, but rather annoyingly told you when "your door is ajar."
Presumably this was meant as a safety feature, present to warn the driver if a door was opened while the car was underway. Forgive me, but if the dome light, tenfold increase in road noise, and eardrum-splitting buffeting from the open door isn't enough to alert the driver that something is amiss, then maybe we should be talking about the lack of physical requirements for a driver's license in this particular state. POF: high (only because owners will most likely physically disable the speakers shortly after purchase).
Park Assist/Control: Now I combine these two together not because they are particularly alike, but because both deal with the same issue: the overall dimensions and physical limit of your vehicle, which has apparently become a particularly tricky and elusive thing of late.
Early versions included little devil horns, which magically appeared on the back corners of the Mercedes S-Class trunk when reverse gear was selected. Modern examples incorporate actual sensors in the rear bumper, which signal the driver with an audible sound as they approach an impending obstruction, like a wall. OK, if really pressed, I might be able to imagine a scenario in which rear park assist might justify its added cost. Maybe. What I can't wrap my mind around however, is front park assist. It's amazing that we can talk about the same small sensors and audible sound as the rear assist, but be in a whole new world of absurdity. If you can't see where the car ends and something else directly in front of you begins, we again have much larger issues to worry about than a dinged bumper. POF: moderate
Xterra Sunroof: Here is a case of part design flaw and part brain freeze with regard to an option most other manufacturers have been able to handle over the years. The sunroof in this car is actually fairly straightforward in and of itself, but silly sunshades, which are screwed into place, obstruct it. Additionally, the wind deflector on the roof of the Xterra extends over the opening, effectively halving the already less than generous vertical view. Dumb design, but still something that could be overlooked.
What can't be ignored is the optional "wet basket:" a type of locker for keeping sweaty and putrid soiled socks, shirts, and who knows what else might be produced by Gen-Xer's after several days of adventuring without the luxury of a shower or laundry. Essentially, all of the things most people would dispose of in the campfire's final embers for fear of asphyxiation should these items have to travel inside the car on the way home.
Problem is, the wet basket sits right on top of the sunroof, rendering it useless. You can force it open, but you're likely to dump the drippings from all of the gross clothing all over the interior of your Xterra. POF: high
Mercedes-Benz Guillotine (rear) Headrests: A favorite of mine, this headrest -- or more specifically, headrest release mechanism -- was, I believe, originally designed as one of those nifty James Bond gadgets which the driver could operate with the push of a button from the dashboard. As it is, the rear headrests do take up a considerable portion of the rear window when in the up position, and certainly need to be lowered for the driver to have any appreciable visibility out of the back window.
Why they built them to release with the force of a Remington 12 gauge is beyond me, and can only be chalked up to "covert operation." Either way, should you hit the release whilst an unassuming or, heaven forbid, sleeping passenger is in the back, the headrests have the uncanny ability of snapping their head clean off. POF: zero (which is the problem)
Unique features such as these might seem silly in retrospect, but that isn't enough to prevent them from being built. There are always new ones in the pipeline, and I can confidently say they're probably not worth the extra effort in terms of cost vs. functionality. The new A6 from Audi, for example, features sensors which, in the presence of water, imperceptibly pulsate the brake system slightly to keep the break pads and rotors dry...Thank goodness.
Why do manufacturers insist on using silly gadgets in an attempt to draw consumers away from one showroom to another? I don't know, why don't more psychics win the lottery? One thing is certain: as long as we are driving, the companies will look to their group think tanks to provide us with more multi-disc CD changers, altimeters (thank you, Pontiac), rain-sensing wipers, and the like.
What are your nominations for the most useless automotive features of all time? E-mail me with your thoughts.
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